The Cold Border

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            ‘Not that far, she said. Just 3000 kilometers.’

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            ‘Fucking cold here Nicky, don’t like it at all.’ I can’t even feel my leather gloves touch the frozen tip of my nose. ‘Not even nice to look at, just a fucking desert of ice and snow.’

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              I kneel to grab a handful of snow, and mold it into a snowball. Nicky is beside me staring off into the barren ice field outside the warehouse. He breathes out slowly and watches his breath disappear with the cold breeze.

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             ‘Oy, Nicky, I’m talking to you – ’

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             A cold gust grips my skin sending a shiver down my spine. My leather jacket and blue jeans aren’t doing much to keep me warm. I even grew a beard hoping to keep warmer, but now I got snotsicles to deal with. Nicky turns to face me.

            ‘What kind of morons would live here? Probably polar bear-fuckers.’

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            ‘That’s not very nice Archie, a lot of nice people here.’

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            I raise a brow at the six-foot-three puffball, he resembles something like a human hybrid of the abominable snowman. He wears one of those hats with the puff on top that bobs as you walk, a wool scarf, a pair of thick black snow pants, and a fleecy jacket. Oh, and let’s not forget his bright yellow wool mitts and insulated brown boots.

           ‘Nice people here? What the shit you talking bout’ Nicky? I’ve been here three days and the only women I’ve seen look like they wake up to brush their tooth – and yes you heard that right, single not plural – their tooth, and I swear one had a moustache.’ I compact the snowball. ‘Nothing but inbreds and bears around here. We’re so far north, the nearest grocery store is also the pub and the City Hall.’

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            Nicky stumbles a couple steps forward, barely able to move. Half his boot is buried in snow.

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            ‘Archie, that’s not very nice. Look around.’ Nicky points to a white rabbit in the distance frolicking through the thick white and smiles. ‘Look, we’re surrounded by nature. You gotta’ admit the sunrise is beautiful.’

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            I study the pale overcast sky and the surrounding landscape, nothing but snow and more snow. I think I can begin to smell something rotting from the abandoned warehouse but I can’t be sure, my nose is frozen over.  

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            ‘The sunrise Nicky? The only reason I’ve seen the bloody thing is because it’s too cold to sleep, it’s too cold to smell, it’s too cold to fucking hear myself think. I hate this place. Why anyone would live out here is beyond me.’

            ‘Chill out Archie, its just 3000 kilometers, not that bad, remember?’

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            I try to wince but my face has no feeling anymore. I chuck the snowball, it explodes on his puffy chest. He barely budges. ‘Hey Nicky, did you even feel that? The hell you got all that padding on for anyway?’

            ‘It’s minus thirty-five out here. Boss said it’d be cold. How you doing in just that leather jacket?’

           ‘Shut-up.’

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           A white van veers around the side of the warehouse, snow crunching underneath the wheels. The door slides open and a man in a big fleecy jacket pokes his head out.

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           ‘You the guy?’

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          I look to Nicky as he attempts to move, then back at the bloke.

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          ‘You see anyone else out here? C’mon now, out with it, it’s bloody cold.’

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          ‘There’s a storm comin’, better be on your way.’ He throws a bag into the snow and slams the door shut. They leave.

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         ‘How’s he figure that? I thought this was a storm.’ I look to the black backpack in the snow. ‘C’mon now Nicky, pick it up, we haven’t got all day.’

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          Nicky waddles over to the bag, bending to pick it up. There’s a terrible shriek of fabric tearing.

          ‘I can’t reach it Archie.’

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          ‘Bloody hell, I hate this place.’ I grab the bag and walk inside.

          ‘Stay here, I’ll pull the car around you friggen’ snowman.’

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           Hours later we’re enroute for the Canada-US border. Nicky’s passed out in the passenger seat drooling and I’m doing my best not to swerve off the ice-covered road. I glance out the window. There’s a seven-foot walking piece of meat and fur with antlers in the distance. For a brief moment I almost appreciate the majesty of the seemingly endless frozen horizon.

           ‘Is that a moose?’

           We hit a bump and the car jerks as it skids over black-ice.

            ‘Bloody hell!’

            Nicky darts up and glares forward as I regain control. ‘What was that Archie?’

            I grip the wheel tightly and reach for the heater. ‘What was what?’

            I peer forward into the white nothingness keeping an eye out for road signs and any sign of civilisation. The car makes a sound like something just farted in the engine, followed by a squeal. ‘What you figure that is?’ I ask.

            ‘I don’t know…’

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            We both lean forward with our ears to the dashboard.

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            ‘Uh, that can’t be good.’ Nicky rubs his fat mitts to the back of his head.

            ‘Good? Sounds downright terrible. Any idea what it was?’

            Cold air begins to blast through the vents.

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            ‘Oh, that’s chilly…’ Nicky falls back into his seat, ‘That can’t be a good sign.’

            ‘Yeah we’ve established that.’ I reach for the dial that controls the heat and fiddle with it.

            ‘Uh…’

            ‘Uh?’ That’s all you got?’ I feel the cold vent air pierce my clothing. ‘Uh, did we just lose the heat?’

             We come up to what I think is the American border guard in a single glass booth with one of those gates that lift up and down. A woman stands inside in an outfit similar to Nicky’s. I catch a glimpse of the hair on her upper lip, and the hairs sticking out her nostrils. This woman looks like what I could only describe as scaly. She has a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and a pair of thick eyeglasses, with a permanent snarl on her face.

            ‘Dear lord Nicky, it’s one of those inbred people I told you about.’

            ‘Shh. Don’t make her angry, we got ten pounds of coke under the seat.’

            ‘Nicky! Quiet, let me do the talking and shut up about the blow!’

            We pull up beside the scaly beast of a woman and I crack the window. ‘G’day, how ya doing?’

            She leans towards the car from her hut and a foul stench exhausts from her green and black plaque encrusted mouth. I gag.

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            ‘Open your window all the way so I can see you.’ She demands with a deep rasp in her voice.

            My eyes begin to water from the smell. ‘Ha-ha, well you see miss, our heat died a while back and I’d like to retain what little we got left– ’

            ‘Open your window!’ she barks.

            I glance to Nicky terrified. ‘My god, this woman is going to eat us Nicky.’ I reluctantly lower the window. I can feel the icy air begin to seep in.

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            ‘What’s your business in the United States?’

            ‘You know darling, just passing through. Didn’t want to drive through northern Canada in the peak of winter.’

            ‘Canada? What state is that? And don’t call me ‘darling’.’ She inhales her cigarette and exhales a cloud of white smoke into the car.

            Nicky and I exchange glances.

            ‘Sure thing gorgeous. Umm, Canada. You know. The country beside the US.’ I smirk.

            ‘You getting smart with me? It’s a dollar-fifty toll to pass.’

            As she glares at us a booger begins to ooze from her nostril and I can feel my gag reflex kick in again. She flashes her rotten teeth and spits on the car.

            ‘Hand over your passports!’

            ‘Ahh Jesus lady, it’s bloody cold! We’re just driving through! Let us pass already. We don’t have any American money on us, we’re Canadian.’

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            I look to the heater again praying that it comes to life as my hands begin to shiver.

            ‘I have to write you a ticket – ’

            ‘A ticket, for a buck-fifty? Holy fuck lady!’

            ‘Yeah, what’s your license plate?’

            ‘This is a rental, I don’t know the plate number.’

            The woman scrunches her face and bears her rotted teeth. I know that look of disgust. She places her handgun on the ledge of her hut window.

            ‘Out of the car, I need to search it!’

            ‘Search the car? Holy Fuck!’

            I lean out the window and lunge for her gun. My body hangs out over the two-foot gap between the car and her hut. We struggle for it, the woman is stronger than she looks.

            ‘Give it to me!’ I shout.

            Nicky gets out of the car and runs around as the foul beast exhales in my face. I begin to choke.

            ‘I’m an officer! Let go of the gun, you’re under arrest!’

            ‘No way lady! It’s cold, I’m cranky and there is no way a scaly inbred Amazon woman is taking me in! Not today!’

            Nicky bashes the beastess over her head. I watch the frozen booger land on the snowy ground by the open car door, and she falls back into her booth unconscious.

I fall out of the car onto the snow all the while starring at the green snotball as I plummet towards it. My face contorts into a look of blatant disgust, the kind I get before a one-on-one with the bitch that sent me here.

I flail up mid grunt pushing a hand full of snow off my defiled jacket. ‘Ugh, now I’m covered in snow!’

            ‘Sorry Archie, I was scared she was going to hurt you.’

            ‘Sorry? Did you see what I just landed on?’

            ‘Snow?’

            ‘Nevermind,’ I snarl, ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

            Nicky sees the residue of snow over the front of my jacket and jeans, ‘You can wear those blankets in the back to keep warm.’

            ‘C’mon, let’s get outta’ here before the cops show!’ We climb back into the car and close the window.

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            I knew I should’ve told the boss to stuff it when she gave me this shipment, 3000 kilometers through the Northern States from Northwest Canada in the peak of winter. What was I thinking? We’ve been driving for hours. The sun is rising and the Canadian border is in sight. I can see my breath on the window and the condensation is freezing it over. If it wasn’t so cold I might actually be able to muster the energy to show excitement. My hands are frozen to the steering wheel and I have two comforters wrapped around my body, but that’s not saying much when it’s this cold.